How to Know If Your Marriage is Not Working

I often have people ask me how to tell or know for sure if their marriage isn’t working or is in trouble.  I’ve even had people ask me to develop a quiz for them to take to determine whether their marriage is working or not.  But, I find that the people who are asking this question really don’t need any quiz and really do know in their hearts that something is wrong.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be on the Internet researching this topic.  Because honestly, people in healthy marriages don’t research marriages that aren’t working.  Something must be behind this concern and this research. I believe that people often do know the truth, but they want a third party to confirm what they already know.  So, in the following article, I will list some signs of marriages that just aren’t working so that you can compare yours and see if any of these descriptions ring any bells.You Notice Or Feel A Lack Of Intimacy (Either Physical Or Emotional): Often the first thing to go in a troubled marriage is physical intimacy or sex.  And often people will have all sorts of justifications for this, like: “we don’t have as much time because of the kids,” or “we aren’t as young anymore,” or “sex is not as important in our relationship as it used to be.” All of these may well be valid arguments and they may be absolutely true.  But, the physical part of your marriage is absolutely indicative of the emotional part. If something is wrong in the bedroom, then it’s generally true that something is wrong somewhere else.  The emotional connection is lacking and is manifesting itself physically.  Married couples who are very closely bonded and firing on all cylinders want to express these feelings physically and they often will simply find the time.  I often answer folks who tell me that they are too busy for sex how much time they find for other priorities in their lives.  Because these same folks often find the time for a manicure, round of golf, or other activities that they are simply putting first.You No Longer Have Anything “Real” To Talk About.  You May Feel You Have Nothing In Common Anymore:  People who write to me and ask whether their marriage is in trouble or not will often tell me that the two of them “don’t really talk anymore.”  Often, they’ll find that when they are alone together, the conversation lags or they find themselves only talking about the kids or the shared business or household. Often though,  they can often remember a time (when they were first dating or married) that they used to burn up the phone lines and talk for hours, but those days are long gone. I often hear phrases like “it’s like we’ve run out of things to say,” or “we have absolutely nothing in common anymore,” and ”he tunes me out;” or “she bores me to tears;” or “her nagging sounds just like my mother’s and it grates on me horribly.” Truthfully, all of these are a symptom of the disconnect that I discussed earlier.  People often feel that they, or their partner, have “changed.”  I almost never buy this.  Sure, people can change their priorities, their outlook, and their perceptions, but I almost never buy that someone changes the core of who they are or changes so drastically as to be so different that they no longer resemble their former selves.What has happened instead is that it’s the circumstances, not the people, who have changed.  Children and jobs make your priorities and the allocation of your time different and this in turn brings about a different outcome in your marriage, but this does not mean that your partner (or even you) have changed who you were.You’re Fighting About The Same Old Things And Can Never More Past It: One of the more easy to recognize signs that a marriage is just not working is that the two of you seem to always be having the same old fight because you are never able to resolve the biggest issues in your marriage once and for all. People who have close and happy marriages are able to navigate and solve their martial problems pretty definitively so that the resentment and anger do not have too long to fester and to continue manifesting themselves to cause more damage.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t have to “work” at their marriage.  They do, but they are able to keep things in perspective and to work together to get through them for good rather than holding back or continuing to bring up the old, damaging issues that couples in crisis can not seem to move past.The Laughter And Fun Is Gone: You may be rereading what I just wrote or think that I’ve lost my mind, but truly happy families and households place humor and having fun together as a very high priority.  If you notice couples who are newlyweds or newly in love and you watch them for any length of time you will see a lot of flirting and laughing going on because they enjoy being together, they bring out the best in each other, and people who are happy in their relationships have a lot to smile about.  What’s the point really if you aren’t enjoying yourself and having fun?If you can’t deny that your household has become sullen, take a look at how many fun or lighthearted activities you and your spouse are engaging in.  Because people whose marriages are in trouble will often avoid these kinds of activities because they have become awkward and the payoff just isn’t there anymore.If you’ve seen any of these “warning signs,” this doesn’t mean that you’re one step away from divorce or that these problems can not be fixed.  It just means that your marriage could use some definite improvement and it certainly doesn’t make any sense to wait to address this.  Admitting that their is room for change is the first step toward making things right.